Mysterious Paperwork
by Yay for Me
Summary: A collection of random one shots, mostly focused on everyone's favorite bald mutant, Professor Xavier. Warning Major OOC-ness. RR please :
1. The Story of Log Butt

It was early morning, the had had barely risen and yet Professor Charles Xavier was already sitting behind his desk beginning the day's work. As headmaster of the school, he had a lot of administrative duties to attend to. Pausing to take a sip of coffee, Charles started by reading a manuscript that Moira MacTaggart sent to him. She wanted his opinion on the manuscript and told him that it was urgent. Xavier didn't mind, after all she had only broken off their wedding without an explanation after he enlisted in the army for her which subsequently led him to get his legs crushed. It didn't matter that she broke his heart at all. Nope. His personal feelings didn't matter at all. That wouldn't be professional, he was only good for proof reading her little manuscripts. So all Charles would have to do is sit her and scribble some notes while she gets her little Nobel Prize and thanks everyone except him. _Why your welcome Moira, I sacrifice my precious time to help you and you don't even mention me in your Nobel acceptance speech? That is just rich._

Time flew by fast and Charles was half way through the manuscript when someone came bursting through the door.

"I'm telling ya Chuck I've had it!" Logan scowled taking a seat.

"You've had it! You're not the one who messed up the session!" Scott exclaimed right back.

The two of them were dressed in uniform, they had just come from a danger room session.

"I can't take orders from Sergeant Panty-twist!" Logan said.

"Orders? Logan you can't take orders from anyone! You blatantly disobeyed-"

"Oh here we go…"

"Every time I give out an order to him he always does the opposite!" Scott said pacing the room.

Charles looked up from his work passively, this was the tenth time this week that the two of them came barging into his office with their marriage issues. And to think Logan's disdain of Scott started when Scott whooped his butt in DDR.

"Professor, I tell Logan to cover my left and guess what he does!"

"I don't think it would be a fair guess." Charles said scratching his chin.

"Go on one eye tell him." Logan mocked.

"He covered my RIGHT!" Scott exclaimed, as if it was the worst thing in the world. "Not only that but he cut in front of me and ripped the Sentinels head clean off which almost hit Kitty!"

Charles tried to hide his disdain and kept a pleasant expression. But really why couldn't Ororo or Hank handle this? Just because he's the world's greatest telepath with a psychology degree doesn't make him any better at handling these petty arguments.

Logan huffed," Kitty can protect herself. And you're just mad cause I took away all your glory."

"Logan that is beside the point. I was leading the team and I gave you orders and you didn't follow them!"

"So I covered your right side, send me to jail why don't ya?"

"Kurt already had my right, my left side was completely exposed, Jean could have stolen my flag!"

Xavier sighed, if he pretended to be busy, may be they'll go away?

"Professor! You don't know how fatal that mistake could have been! "Scott cried. "Logan, you can't just go making moves like that, there's no point in making random and pointless risks." Scott continued.

"mm hmm." Logan said bored.

"You could have hurt yourself, you could have hurt Kitty you could have hurt me!"

"Look, laser head." Logan stood up, "I know you like to show off in the danger room for your little girlfriend but face it, she doesn't like you." Logan said pointing his index finger to Scott's chest.

"Hey don't bring Jean into this!"

"No one likes you."

"Oh and you're any better."

"_Where's my Excedrin?"_ Charles thought to himself as their voices got louder, he was definitely going to have a headache later.

"Logan you don't follow directions, you don't work with the team and you do all these pointless stunts that could get people seriously hurt!"

Logan sighed, this kid was getting on his nerves. "You're right Scott."

"You're insubordinate."

"Uh-huh."

"Un-cooperative!"

"go on."

"And above all really smelly have you ever heard of a shower?"

"Well at least I don't have a stick shoved up so far into my ass that every time I fart a box of toothpicks comes out!"

At this point Charles looked up from his work, his methods weren't working anyway.

"Excuse me?" Scott said in an angry tone, lifting his hand to his visor making it glow red, "Just because you can't handle your personal issue doesn't mean you have to go and insult me."

Logan sighed and looked remorseful, "I'm sorry Scott you don't have a stick shoved up your ass."

"That's what I thought." Scott said walking away.

"It's more like a log." Logan muttered just loud enough for Charles and Scott to hear.

Scott froze and said, "I'll pretend I didn't hear that Logan."

"Keep telling yourself that Log Butt." Logan said, "Next time I need a tooth pick I'll just pull your finger."

Scott turned around and got all up in Logan's face, "You know I can beat you any day of the week."

"Yeah, only cause that log is shoved up so high I'd break my foot in your ass every time I kick it." Logan sneered.

Charles had to admit, Logan was one savvy trash talker. And this gave him the perfect excuse as to why he couldn't finish reading Moira's boring manuscript. He pulled out a bag of popcorn from his desk, and enjoyed the show.

"That didn't even make any sense."

"That's cause the log is giving your brain a splinter."

"Is that all you got?"

"No Debbie, I got a lot more. But the re-run of _The Secret Life of the American Teenager_ is on, and I don't like missing my shows. So if you don't turn around and walk out right now, I'm going to gut out your organs and sell them on eBay you hear?" Logan said, intentionally calling Scott "Debbie" as a form of insult.

Even though Scott is much taller than Logan, he complied, and walked out, Logan following not to far along.

_There goes my entertainment for the day. _Charles thought to himself. As he continued working.

**A/N: Hey guys, hope you liked this, it just randomly came to me, sorry it was short I ran out of ammo but I'll try to get in another update soon :) **


	2. Massage Time

**A/N: So…this story was originally supposed to be a whole bunch of loosely connected one shots of Proffy torture…but I figured I'll broaden my horizons a bit.**

It was mid afternoon at the mansion, and the X-men were all sitting around in the living room. Well…there was one baldy who was noticeably missing. They were all sitting around the table. With disgruntled expressions on their faces.

"Look, I ain't doing it ya hear?" Logan said

"Yeah like I had to do it two days in a row already!" Kitty exclaimed.

"Well I did it yesterday!" Jean added.

"Oh Ah bet you were glad to do it," Rogue retorted.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh you act like you don't know. You little teacher's pet!"

"I'm not a teacher's pet." Jean replied with a bit of hurt and disgust in her face.

" Denial, Denial." Rogue said folding her arms and rolling her eyes.

"I'm-"

"It's true Jean I see how you are with Mr. Kelly." Kurt said crouched down an a couch and took a bite out of an apple, "You even put an apple on his desk." Kurt added grabbing the apple with his tail and twatting it towards Jean.

"Ew." Jean said turning her head away from the apple.

"You kissed up to Mr. Kelly?!?!" Scott exclaimed, he had been oddly quiet during this whole discussion, "How could you Jean? He hates us all!"

"Chill out Log Butt, she kisses up to everyone." Logan said coolly.

"I swear you call me log butt one more time I'll-"

"You'll what? Fart on me? Pelt me with toothpicks?"

"No I'll-"

"Give me a splinter?"

Fuming with rage, Scott let out a blast right towards Logan, who luckily dodged.

"Oh you wanna dance pretty boy?" Logan growled.

"Bring it on." replied Scott.

"Grrrrrrrrrrrr raaaaaaaaaa!!" Logan howled unleashing his claws, only to have Storm create a whirl wind keeping both Scott and Logan separated.

"Have you guys forgotten why we're all here?" She asked.

"Man, she should have let them fight, I have a bag of popcorn and everything." Bobby muttered beneath his breath.

"Heh heh, may be I should give One Eye a good ass whooping. " Logan mocked.

"Logan." Scott stared at him furiously.

"I mean, I'm pretty damn good at knocking down trees, may be I can take care of Scotty's log problem." Logan continued folding his arms.

"Logan!" Jean exclaimed wanting the whole thing to stop.

Bobby just continued eating pop corn.

"What? Someone has to take the log out of his ass. Though it's probably hurt like hell. And he might end up with a few good splinters so I dunno if it'll fix the whole problem. May be Kitty can feed him something?" Logan muttered, oh how fun it was to get on Scott's nerves.

"Hey! My cooking isn't that bad!" Kitty said.

"Uh, yeah it is."

"Like, nuh uhh!"

"dude, I vouldn't even touch your cooking!" Kurt added.

"and we know you like to eat a lot Elf, I'm surprised you haven't stolen Ice Boy's popcorn by now." Logan remarked.

"Pop corn?" Kurt asked filled with glee, he then BAMF'ed over to Bobby, snatched his popcorn and BAMF'ed to the other side of the room.

"Awee, man….why'd you have to do that Logan?" Bobby whined.

"The same reason why you have that ugly mug." Logan replied.

Bobby then left to go and make some more popcorn.

"You know Logan you're just one big bully!" Jean said, "You should go and do it."

"I am not a bully, ya'll are just over sensitive." Logan snarled.

"Over sensitive?"

"Yeah over sensitive, aweeee boo hoo Mr. Logan called half pint, boo hooo he made me run laps." Logan said mocking everyone, "Ya'll are just a bunch of pansies! Crying and complaining. If the Professor wasn't so soft on you guys I swear I'd-"

"Oh here we go!" Rogue added.

"What the hell do you mean here we go?" Logan turned at Rogue, how dare she interrupt him!

"You always tell us this." Rogue said boredly.

_Ahem, I'm ready for that massage now…_ Professor Xavier telepathically called out to his X-men.

"We're coming. We're coming." Logan growled, "Okay so I ain't going."

"I like did it two days in a row." Kitty said.

Hank then walked into the room, he had locked himself in the lab all day and decided it was time for some fresh air, "What is with all the ruckus?" He asked.

"It's that time of the day." Scott said, "Professor Xavier's daily leg massage."

"Ahh…to prevent atrophy correct? Well, I just came up to say hello, I must be returning to that um…gadget mabob thingy I was working on. Tata!" Hank said as he rushed out of the room and locked himself back into his lab.

"Man, I don't want to go! Last time I went he was in his undervear." Kurt shuddered.

"Ugh, and his legs are all like shriveled and gross and like old." Kitty added as she took shuddered.

"Well I ain't going. And that's final." Logan said again.

"What Logan is there another _Secret Life _marathon going on?" Scott snorted.

"No." Logan replied, "It's a _Glee_ marathon this time."

"Well, I can't go, the Professor hate the feeling of my gloves." Rogue said, happy that her mutation has finally come in handy.

"And I like went twice already." Kitty said again.

"I have groceries to go and get." Storm said.

"Ooh, I'll come with you, besides the Professor hate the feeling of my fur." Kurt added

All that was left was Scott, Jean and Logan. The three of them looked at each other.

"I went yesterday." Jean said stepping back.

"Looks like you're going Log Butt." Logan said.

"But I went-"

"I don't care. I ain't going." Logan said again.

"But Logan you've never went!"

"So? What're you going to do about it?"

"Rock, paper, scissors?" Scott offered.

"Best two out of three." Logan replied.

"Okay, rock, paper, scissors!" They said simultaneously

Scott had paper, and Logan rock, meaning he lost.

"You cheated, you threw yours out after you saw mine."

"Did not!" Scott said, "Stop being such a sore loser."

"Rock, paper, scissors!" They said again.

Scott has rock ,while Logan had paper.

"Take that one eye!" Logan said with glee.

"Rock, paper, scissors!" They said for the final time.

Scott had scissors while Logan has paper.

"I win!" Scott exclaimed as he was cutting Logan's paper, Logan unleashed his claws on Scott's hand.

"YOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WHAT THE HELL!" Scott yelled.

"Now you really can't go Log Butt." Logan laughed.

Just then Bobby came back into the room with a bag of popcorn.

Logan smiled, "Well, I have to go and fix up my bike. And with Scotty's hand all bloody. I guess that means you're going Ice Boy."

Bobby dropped his bag of popcorn, and his jaw was wide open, "WHAT?!?!?!?" He said, "Awee man!" he groaned, as he picked up his popcorn and walked over to the Professor's office. He knocked on the door.

"Come in Bobby." Charles greeted, he was wearing a silk robe and was all ready for his daily massage. "Feel free to use your powers as a tool, ice is good for the muscles."

"Uh…whatever you say Professor." Bobby groaned, how did he get himself into this mess?

Just as he was starting, Bobby felt a strong sneeze come on, "AH-AH-AH-"

"Say pineapple, it'll make it stop." Charles nodded.

"Pineapple." Bobby said, "Hey it wor-AHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!"

Bobby sneezed and a whole bunch of ice had now slightly covered the Professor.

"May be I should ask someone else to do this?" Charles said, and Bobby nodded.

After wiping his face with a towel, Charles put his hand to his temple and called Logan. Who after minutes came walking in, "What Chuck?!" He huffed.

Bobby then started walking out, "Haha! Suckaaaaaa! That's what you get for sicking Kurt on my popcorn!" He said as he ran out and scurried down the hallway.

"Logan I'm going to need you to massage my legs for me, Bobby seems a bit germ infested." Charles asked.

"Ugh." Logan grunted and he knelt down, "So Charles, how did this happen again?"

"It all started over thirty years ago…." Charles began recounting, and Logan sighed. This definitely wasn't how his day was supposed to go…

**A/N: Well that was chapter two, this chapter may have a sequel to it do be on the look out!**


	3. Nicknames

**A/n: So this idea randomly popped into my little brain and I've been meaning to do something with it. It's a basic day in the Life of Logan. Enjoy!**

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._ Rang the alarm clock, a hairy finger pressed the off button, but the alarm continued to persist. The hairy finger then turned into a fist and started banging on the clock. But it still continued beeping. So that hairy fist turned into three claws that slashed into the alarm clock effectively shutting it off.

With a small growl, Logan pulled himself out of bed. He took what was left of his alarm clock and threw it in the trash (that just so happened to be filled with slashed alarm clocks). It was four o'clock in the morning, Logan was feeling more tired than usual he hopped into the shower and-

"Gaaah. Son of a Bitch!" He squealed, the water was ice cold. "Stupid Chuck, always taking long ass showers and using up all the water." He grumbled to himself.

…..

After finishing his morning routine, Logan settled in the dining room for some breakfast. He looked to the left and then looked to the right. No one was around. Looking down at his coffee Logan pulled out a flask from his shirt, poured some of the contents in his coffee and then put it away. Nothing like a little liquor in your coffee to start off the day.

As he turned around he heard one of the students approach the kitchen. It was some teenaged boy who must have been an early bird. Logan grunted and took a sip from his coffee.

The kid sniffed the air and then looked at Logan, "It's a little early for alcohol don't you think?"

And he thought he was the only one with super smell. Logan was about to address the young man, but there was one thing missing. A name. Logan couldn't remember this young man's name. Unlike Scott who's a total kiss ass, Logan hardly bothered remembering half of these new recruits names. Heck may be more than half, there were just so many of them. The Professor had even given him whole bunch of papers to help him remember, but Logan has only used them as emergency toilet paper whenever he was out. In his mind "Bub" and "Kid" were all that he needed.

"It's a little early to be poking into other people's business ." Logan grunted, staring at the boy's face full of acne.

"Admitting it is the first step, Logan." He teased, biting into a banana.

"First step for what?" A blonde girl asked walking into the room.

"Oh Logan's spiked his coffee." the boy said.

"Really Logan?" The girl looked at him, "But the sun's barely risen!"

"That's what I said." The boy added. "Guess this explains why he's crabby all the time."

Before Logan could speak the girl interrupted," Logan do you know what alcohol does to your body? You're killing your liver. Have you considered counseling?"

Logan growled, "What I put in my coffee is none of yer damn business got it Blondie?" Logan failed to remember that girl's name as well.

Blondie nodded, Logan then looked at the boy," That goes double for you Zit Face." he said addressing the boy, who also nodded.

"See you two in danger room." He grunted as he left, right before a hoard of students came rushing in for breakfast.

"Grouchy much?" Zit Face remarked.

"You know I think we might need to set up an intervention." Blondie added, "I'm surprised he doesn't have a beer belly."

"Who?" One kid asked.

"Oh Logan spiked his coffee. We think he's an alcoholic."

"That explains a lot."

"Hey we should call Dr. Drew, and put him in the sober house." another kid joked.

Thanks to his gifts, Logan heard what the kids were saying. He exhaled, and then pulled his flask out from his shirt and poured the rest of the contents into the coffee. It was going to be a long day.

…

Danger room. His favorite part of the whole day. Nothing but intense workouts, high adrenaline and the sound of a whole bunch of wimpy teenagers who start to crap their pants when they see what they have to do.

Storm had already lead the new recruits during the first part of the danger room session and they did pretty okay. But now it was his turn. Realizing that he didn't know anyone's name, Logan started thinking up of names in his head. _Okay we got Zit Face over there, then Blondie to his right. That one kids really fat, I'll call him Fatty. Then that kid with the fire can be Fireman, and I'll call the girl with the sparks Sparky. Then there's another Blondie to her left and that kid there has a REALLY big head…_ Before he can finish he had to call the team.

"Okay team huddle up." Logan said. He looked at all of the students, he had no idea what their names were. Time to do what he does best.

"We're going to be going up against a couple of your fellow students, and our job is to take their asses down."

"Mr. Logan." A fat kid asked.

"What? Do you need to go potty?" Logan hissed.

"No, but Storm said this was supposed to be a defensive exercise." He replied.

"Well the best defense is a good offense, now-"

"What about the flag?" A blonde girl asked (a different blonde from before)

"What flag?"

"The flag we have to catch on each level."

"To hell with the god damn flag, this is SUPPOSED to prepare you guys for the real thing, and when you're fighting the real thing there ain't gonna be no flag that needs catching." Logan scowled.

"But we need the flag to get to the next level!" the fat one added, with the others agreeing harmoniously.

"Look. I'm in charge and we do things my way. Got it Fatty? No you guys will get your precious flag after you beat down your teammates got it?" Logan had to admit, even though he likes scaring the crap out of these kids, they can be just plain annoying smart asses sometimes.

"Wait. I thought we weren't supposed to beat up our team mates?" a girl who had electrical powers asked.

"Well they're PRETENDING to be our opponents dumb ass." another kid remarked.

"But, I like don't get it, are we fighting each other or the older students." the first Blonde from before asked.

"You guys are going to be fighting the older students." Logan said trying to stay calm.

"Got it. Now what's the plan Man." Zit Face asked.

"Is he always this mean?" A wimpy student whispered to the Fatty.

"Yes. I am. Now shut up and listen Newbie." Logan answered. With one look he could tell that it was this kid's first day in the danger room. And he wanted to make sure this kid gets so scared that he craps his pants so hard that his uniform becomes permanently stained.

"Okay, now we need to divide and conquer." Logan said, "Fatty, Newbie, and Sparky You guys will take on Cyclops. Be sure to call him Log Butt he hates that. Blondie, Zit Face, and Fireman you guys can take care of the Blue Elf. No scratch that-" Before Logan can continued the kids started squawking.

"Does he always give out nicknames?" Newbie asked Fireman.

"Yep. It's kind of like some sort of initiation." Fireman replied.

"Oh…" Newbie replied.

"Are you turds finished?" Logan asked sarcastically. The tow of them shut up and Logan was about to continue. "Now where was I? Oh right."

"Hey Mr. Logan?" Zit Face asked.

"What?"

"Why is my nickname Zit Face? Why can't I get anything…I dunno…cooler?" He piped up.

"Cause you have a face full of zits. If you got a problem with it then order that Proactive crap that Jean always uses." Logan replied smartly.

"But everyone else has cool nick names! Except Fatty over there." Zit Face whined.

"Well that's just too damn bad Zit Face. Now can I continue?"

"Ugh. Fine."

"Okay. Now Zit Face you're annoying, I want you to join Newbie and Sparky and fight Cyclops. Remember to call him Log Butt cause he hates that. Fatty you're with Blondie and Fireman and you'll be going against Night crawler." Logan paused and looked at Fatty, "Do you have any food on you? That blue elf gets really distracted by food."

"Hey just because I'm _big boned_ doesn't mean I carry food with me all the time. Besides these uniforms are so skin tight I can't fit anything."

"Ugh. These uniforms are hideous. I mean they CLEARLY don't flatter anyone, and I think they're giving me a rash." Blondie number 2 complained.

"No one cares Blondie." Logan added.

"I didn't say anything." Blondie number 1 said.

"I know I was talking to THAT Blondie" Logan hissed, "But anyway-ARE you carrying any food Fatty?"

Everyone looked at Fatty, "Pfft. No." He answered, but everyone continued to glare, Fatty looked to the floor and then said, "I mean yes."

Logan smacked Fatty across the head.

"What was that for?"

"There's no food allowed in the Danger Room. But since you already have it on you, use it to distract Kurt." Logan said as a matter of factly, "The Other Blondie, Big Head, and You right there, will be going after Angel got it?"

"Hey why don't I get a nick name?" The kid without a nickname asked.

"Cause you're not cool!" Zit Face responded.

Before Logan could say something Blondie number one cut him off, "Now which Blondie do you want to go after Cyclops and which one do you want to go after Angel?"

"None of you blondies are going after Cyclops. You Blondie are going after Kurt and you Blondie are going after Angel." Logan appointed.

"I thought it was the other way around?" Sparky mentioned.

"Me too." Fireman added.

"May be we should get different nick names Logan? Less confusion." Blondie number two advised.

"Hey If they get new nicknames I want a new one too!" Zit Face chimed

"Me too!" Fatty agreed.

"Come to think of it Newbie really isn't a nickname." Newbie thought out loud.

"At least you guys got nicknames." The kid without a nickname muttered.

"Why don't you just use our REAL names?" Sparky asked.

"Yeah." The kids chimed in.

"I don't use your real names cause that'll cause more confusion. Do you know how many Mike's and Lizzie there are?" Logan retorted.

Everyone looked at each other, "Is anyone here named Mike or Lizzie?" Fireman asked. No one raised their hands.

Oh great now he was busted for not learning their names. Just what he needed, a whole bunch of smart assed kids who will not only bug him about drinking but also for not knowing their names.

"Well, can you blame him? Logan's nick names are special! It's like his way of being our friend you know?" Zit Face spoke up. "With out them he wouldn't be Logan."

Logan grunted, "okay enough stalling it's go time!"

"Now about my new nickname…Can I be BlasterBoy?" Zit Face asked.

"I want to be called Aqua." Blondie number one chimed.

"Sparky sounds like a dog name, can you call me Electra?"

"I want to be called The Flame"

All of the kids started barking out nicknames that they wanted to be called.

"I want to be called the Atomic Fireball!" Fatty explained

"Call me Electrolyte!" said Newbie

"Blaze Flame!" said Blondie number two.

"And you can call me ElectroBuzz." said Big Head.

"Ohhh…Call me…Paladin! No not that…" the kid without a nick name said.

"HEY! If you guys can beat the sorry crap out of Cyclops, Angel, and Night Crawler I'll let you pick out your own little nick names got it?" Logan howled.

Everyone seemed to be in compliance. "Now get going," Logan ordered, "Oh and you're all gonna have to think up of new ones cause those are all TAKEN. Especially the fire and electric ones." Logan scowled. Though in reality they probably weren't, well except for the fire and electric ones, Logan just felt he had had enough of these brats.

With that the group of nine headed off to fight their opponents (who are really their team mates), and capture their flag. Logan had to admit these kids really wanted it, it was turning out to be a fun show.

Just then the Professor wheeled up to him," Logan I understand that you nicknames are your way of 'bonding' with the students but perhaps you could think up of more acceptable, non offensive ones?" He mentioned.

"My nick names aren't 'offensive'"

"Zit Face and Fatty?"

"Well, the kids love it.' Logan said all snotty like and folding his arms.

"Oh I'm certain." The Professor said rubbing his chin, watching as the students beat the older X-men in record time, "And they'll never be able to realize that you actually _don't_ know their names."

"That was the plan the whole time Wheels."

….

Turns out all nine of the students did just as Logan said. They beat the sorry crap out of Scott, Kurt and Warren. Who were all promptly sent to the infirmary afterwards. The nine kids were excited and they put a whole lot of thought into their new nicknames. All of them thought up of really good ones-except for the kid who didn't have a nick name, he wasn't able to think up of anything. Despite all of their thinking, Logan never used the "submitted" nicknames. And he never will.

THE END!

**A/N: Well that's the end of that. That's probably the longest bit of nonsense that I've written in a one shot so far, haha. I realized like right at the end of it that it would have been funnier in the first person…but I'm too lazy to change it now. And oh yeah, the nine students, they're just random people, none of them are canons or anything like that. **


	4. A moment with the Brotherhood

**A/N: This idea hit me on this RP site I'm on, a member had a lot of homework to do only to have the whole assignment changed when he went to turn it in and I was like "Lets egg you teacher's house" and this is how this one shot came to me. **

**Hope you pass with flying colors Marcus! **

…**..**

It was dusk, around seven o'clock at night. The members of the Brotherhood were ready for a night of clubbing.

Pietro sped up and let himself into Lance's room. Only to see the young man hard at work on the computer.

"What're you doing." Pietro stared in disbelief.

"Homework." Lance grunted, clearly annoyed.

"Awww…you're trying to impress your little kitten?" Pietro mocked.

"Shut up man. I have a lot of work to do and I don't need you to bug me right now okay?" Lance said. Sure he could be like the others and not care about school, but it's just that Kitty was so smart and Lance wanted her to think he was smart too.

At this point Fred, Toad and Tabitha walked up towards Lance's room.

"Hey you guys coming? I want to shake my groove thang!" Tabitha said hip bumping Fred which only made her bounce right off of the large mutant and onto the floor. Toad laughed as he ate a fly that was resting on the wall.

"Dang man, how much work do you have?" Fred asked, "You've been cooped up here for two days now."

"Well." Lance started, "I finished most everything yesterday, but that stupid Jean Grey decided to change up the assignment and gave us an extra day to finish it."

"Jean? What she doing giving you work?" Toad asked.

"She's the teacher's assistant." Lance huffed, "I have to do seven chapter packets, write a seven page essay on the Chicago exposition, make a poster and a pamphlet to go along with my paper-"

"Wow. That's a lot." Pietro said yawning.

"I wasn't finished." Lance continued, "I also have to write a five page paper on one of the Supreme Court cases, and I have to write up a book report on some non-fiction book and I have to write a report on a historical movie and the 'validity of it all'" Lance said. "I swear that bitch is crazy."

Lance took a sip of an energy drink and continued working.

"Wow. All that for some girl who's a total tease." Tabitha said sarcastically. "I'd love to help you out Lance, but uh, I have better things to do!"

"Yeah you're on your own bro."

"mmm…I'm hungry."

"See ya!"

A couple days later…

After staying up all night for the second night in a row, Lance managed to turn in his assignments and then spend the rest of the day sleeping. He couldn't remember the last time he had to think so much!

After a well deserved rest Lance went back into school to get his grades. He was not very happy by the time he got home.

"I am so not happy!" Lance said causing the house to shake a little.

"What happened?" Fred asked.

"I failed! Now I have to do summer school to graduate." Lance said plopping down on the kitchen table.

"You seriously should forget that stupid cat, there are more fish in the sea." Toad chimed in.

"I bet it was Jean's fault." Pietro said, "She probably failed you so you can be in summer school and away from Kitty."

"Hey this isn't about Kitty!"

"Pffffft, yeah okay!"

"I say we get even." Pietro said smugly.

"Oooh, I like the sound of this!" Tabitha squealed.

"I say we egg that snooty mansion of theirs." Pietro said in a cocky tone, "We can TP it too."

"And put shaving cream on all their cars so they can't drive!" Fred said.

The room resonating in agreement.

"Tonight we're going to get back at the X-men." Pietro said deviously.

Later that day…

"Okay, Lance you're going to provide our mode of transportation."

"But I always provide our mode of transportation."

"Shut up! I'm giving out orders here!" Pietro hissed.

"Tabitha, you can provide cool tunes for when we trash the place. Wanda can provide our disguises."

"Disguises? Why would we want disguises? Don't we want those geeks to know it was us?" Wanda added, she couldn't believe her brother talked her into doing this.

"Because disguises are cool!" Pietro whined "Fred you can be our look out. I'll take care of the toilet paper, the eggs, the silly string and the shaving cream."

"Oh we should put bubble bath in the fountain too!" Tabitha said.

"Good idea, I'll get the bubble bath too."

"What about me?" Toad asked.

"Toad, your job is to get a bag of poo and light it on fire on their door step." Pietro nodded.

"Why do I have to handle the poo?"

"Cause you're the smelliest?" Wanda replied, "And what kind of disguises do you guys want anyway?"

"Oh, can I borrow your skin tight leather pants? I look bad ass in leather eve though I can hardly breathe in it" Tabitha asked.

"What if we dressed up like the X-men?" Fred absent mindedly mentioned

"YEAH!" The group said, "That'd be funny!"

"Wanda can be Rogue, La-" Pietro got cut off…

"Why do I have to be Rogue? Just because we dress alike?"

"Um…yeah!"

"Well wouldn't that give me away?"

"Good point, you can be….Storm yeah you can be Storm. Freddie can be Beast, Toad we'll make you Nightcrawler, Lance can be Cyclops, Tabitha can be Kitty and I'll be Wolverine." Pietro delegated.

"Why do I have to be Beast? I don't want to pain myself blue, I'll get a rash." Fred whined.

"Okay Fred then who do you want to be?" Pietro huffed folding his arms.

"Um…I want to be…um….."

"Yeah?"

"Ummmm…."

"C'mon, there's not that many of them."

"Uhhhhhh…."

"How about the Professor?" Lance suggested.

"Okay Fred can be the Professor."

"No I don't wanna be him!" Fred grunted.

"Then who then?" Pietro said tapping his foot rapidly.

"I want to be…JEAN!"

The group was silent for a while with puzzled looks on their faces, then Lance broke the silence, "Yeah do I have to be Cyclops? I don't want to have to walk like a tight ass the whole time."

"What do you want to let out your feminine side with Fred and be Kitty?" Pietro snorted.

"NO! That would be mad creepy!"

"Hey, can I be Wolverine yo? I think I'd look goooood next to Wanda's Storm." Toad said striking a pose.

Wanda snorted.

"Ugh! Then who am _I_ going to be then?" Pietro scoffed.

"Spyke?"

"NO. Just. No, there's no way in HELL I'm going to dress up like that loser."

"Ooh, I'll be Iceman!" Lance said.

"And I can be Rogue!" Tabitha said with glee.

"Well that's just great who am I going to be?" Pietro moped.

"What about that Angel guy?" Fred mentioned.

"Ahhh, perfect! I'll be Angel!" Pietro nodded, feeling much better.

A couple hours later…

The group of misfits we piled up in Lance's jeep, waiting at a red light.

"You know if you would stop driving like a sissy we would have made this red." Tabitha said squished in the back seat.

"Well excuuuusssse me, it's hard to see in this costume." Lance said looking at Tabitha from the rearview mirror.

"Man that girl is really rubbing off on you." Pietro said from the passenger seat, "You sound like a total valley girl."

"Shut up about Kitty man!" Lance said punching Pietro in the arm.

"It's green. GO!" Wanda yelled.

Lance hit the gas and drove on.

"It's your next right, get in your right lane." Pietro yelled.

"Alright alright don't get your panties in a twist!"

"Pass this car! Speed up!" Tabitha said.

"No don't he's speeding up wait til he passes you." Toad hissed.

"Speed up!"

"Slow down!"

"Speed up you idiot!"

"Slow down!"

"SHUT UP!" Lance yelled, "I missed it." He huffed.

"See you should have sped up." Tabitha said rolling her eyes.

"Whatever…If you guys don't remember but I went to this prissy school, I know all the shortcuts." Lance said as a matter of factly.

After what seemed like a long ride the Brotherhood finally made it to the mansion.

"Alright guys, it's time to trash this place. Wanda take care of the security." Pietro said

With a flick of her wrist Wanda was able to get the mansion's security system to work in their favor.

"Fred, get the stuff from the trunk." Lance commanded.

The group took a moment to look at the mansion, it was like they were taking a "before" picture before they got serious with some eggs and toilet paper.

"Fred? Did you get the stuff?" Pietro said impatiently. The group turned around to see the Blob with his backed turned from them on the phone:

He was wearing a floppy red wig, a buttoned down shirt that really didn't fit him, and a mini skirt (similar to the outfit Jean wore when he kidnapped her). He was on his phone talking in a girlish voice saying "Oh like totally Karen I did not know what was up with that girl's outfit it was like SO last season!" As he was talking he was also checking his heavily made up face in the mirror.

"FRED!"

Fred turned around and was like, "What? Oh yeah, the stuff." He popped open the trunk and grabbed the stuff.

"Let do this ya'll!" Toad said grabbing the silly string and shaving cream.

Pietro took the toilet paper and made quick work of the trees.

Lance, Wanda and Tabitha each grabbed a carton of eggs and targeted the windows.

Fred poured an extremely large bottle of bubble bath into the school's fountain.

"Hey, give that bottle hear I'll put some in their pool!" Pietro said swiping the bottle and pouring it in to the pool.

"We've got to make sure this place looks more trashed!" Tabitha cried.

"Hey look how much garbage they go threw! Lets dump it all on their front lawn!" Fred said wasting no time and dumped all the garbage out and ripped the bags open.

"Toad, spread out the garbage!" Pietro ordered.

"Why me?"

"Cause you stink." Wanda replied.

"Fiiiine." Toad said spreading out the garbage.

After making quite work with the mansion the Brotherhood stared at it in delight. They really did a good job trashing this place.

"And now for the finale!" Pietro said, taking the bag of poo from Toad and dashing to the front door and then lighting it on fire, ringing the door bell and re-joining his teammates. They were all safe hiding in the bushes, they saw the door open and to their surprise:

A strange old man came to the door, he had on glasses and suspenders and was definitely not apart of the X-men.

"Wh-What's this?" The old man said stomping on the flames, only to find out that he really just stepped in poo. "You damn kids! I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna call the cops on you if it's the last thing I do!"

The Brotherhood stared in awe.

"WE TRASHED THE WRONG HOUSE?" The all screamed.

"Lance this is all your fault!" Pietro said.

"Yeah what happened to 'I know all the short cuts'" Wanda added.

"Hey you try driving like a human popsicle and see how well you can navigate with ten people yelling at you!" Lance hissed. "And why didn't any of you guys notice that this wasn't the place?"

"Hey you can't expect me to pay attention to these details. I'm the brains in this group." Toad said.

"Hey, me neither." Fred added.

"Ugggggggggggh." Pietro said slapping his hands to his face. "It's okay we can fix this." He said taking a deep breath.

The next day at the Xavier's Institute for Gifted Youngsters…..

"Logan, Warren, Ororo, Rogue, Jean, and Bobby please come to my office." The Professor telepathically called. As they all arrived the Professor looked at all of them sternly.

"What's up Chuck?"

"What's up? Well, I've been hounded by complaints this morning saying that the six of you decided to trash a neighbor's house?" The old man said raising an eyebrow.

"What?" Jean gasped, "I'd never! That's do awful!"

"Yes Charles, we would never do anything like that."

"Witnesses say that they say the lot of you yelling and screaming 'Xavier's rules! Xavier's rules!' Like drunken hyenas while through rocks into people's windows." The Professor started, "And there's quite a bit of photo evidence as well." He said placing some pretty incriminating photos on his desk for the others to see.

"Look it's clear that we were framed, we'd never do this!" Rogue said.

The Professor merely ignored the groups pleas of innocence and said, "No TV, internet, video games, cell phones or allowance for a month." He said, "You will also be staying in your rooms for the next two weeks and you're on Blackbird duty as well."

Just as Logan, Storm, and Angel were about to take a small sigh of relief cause their punishment was worse for the younger "delinquents" The Professor started again, "No green house, bars, or fancy restaurants either. And Logan since you enjoy the extra Danger room session they'll be getting I'll have to make you watch _Spongebob Squarepants_ for two weeks."

"No! Anything but that stupid sponge and his annoying laugh."

"And that's final." The Professor said, "You're all excused. Oh and Jean, you'll be punished for an extra three weeks."

"WHAT? That is SO unfair!"

"Good day everyone."

Right after the group of unhappy X-men left the office, The Professor stood up from his chair and his body morphed to that of a slender blue skinned woman's. Mystique brushed a strand of hair from her faced and made a quick phone call, "Okay guys, I did what you asked. You guys better not drag me into this again." Mystique said sternly, "Or better yet trash the right house the next time." she huffed, "you're just lucky the baldy went on a business trip and didn't tell anyone." she added as she opened up the window and snuck out.

Revenge certainly was sweet.

**A/N: I know that was really random but I hoped you guys enjoyed it!**


	5. The Wonders of Facebook

**A/n: This little story got inspired from a line in a show called Leverage and it was "Get off the Face book," major OOC-ness ensues!**

It was approximately 3:30 in the afternoon and Charles Xavier was hankering for a snack. Not out of hunger but out of sheer boredom. He had glared at the paper work he had finished during the day and then he glared at the large pile he still had to do. _I'm really not up for going through all of this_ He thought to himself. So as a means of procrastination Charles did what he always does when he gets bored and lazy like this. He surfed the internet.

Charles typed in "Perez Hilton" and started scrolling passively through the news articles, "Hmm…Lindsey Lohan is going to jail? Girlfriend is a train wreck. To think I actually enjoyed her performance in _Mean Girls_." Charles hummed to himself as he continued through the site, "Hmmm… Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato were caught kissing in public? Well needless to say I say that one coming. Ohh…Patrick Stewart has been officially knighted today. Borrrrrrrrrrringggggg! "

After finishing up on his pop culture news, Charles went onto "E online" so he didn't really care for the news they had, but he loved judging the fashion police. "Why does that Kesha spell her name with a dollar sign? She clearly looks like she needs the money." Charles said pressing the "sham button" he then continued and viewed a picture of Halle Berry; _Hmm…Ororo has the same dress._ Charles then pressed the "Glam" button and finished up with the Fashion Police.

Next on the list Facebook, Kitty made him create an account. The students think he never logs on but really, Charles logs on all the time. Charles thought it was stupid at first but he found the website to be quite useful, a lot less strenuous than scanning everyone's minds on a daily basis.

"Oh look, Jean updated her status 'Out studying with Duncan' odd, there's a winking smiley next—oh…they must not be studying then." Charles scratched his chin and then he clicked on Scott's profile, "It says he's 'going to play b-ball with Kurt,' ahhh….he probably wants to spy on Jean. Oh look Rogue updated her status… 'You make me wanna die…' oh what else is new? "

Charles then clicked on Logan's account (yes, Logan has one too). He started reading his wall and noticed something that was oddly ordinary, "Logan and Sabretooth are having yet ANOTHER cyber battle." Charles said shaking his head, as he started reading their little wall battle:

Sabretooth: Hey RUNT, that's cheating! You can't call in for reinforcements! You coward!

Logan: It ain't calling for reinforcements if I'm dragging their sorry ass in against their will! You're just mad cause I'm WINNING!

Sabretooth: Yeah you're a champion alright, if you had to lug in that nerdy boy and make him pelt me with tooth picks. Tooth picks Runt? Really? You are weak! *grabs neck and throws*

Logan: I'm gonna get you Creed! RAWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRR! *goes beserker*

Heh. Normally they're a lot more colorful with their little cyber battles. Charles mused, but today they sound like ten year olds. He then wandered to Evan's profile _Yet another video of him skateboarding… Well who am I to tell him that he's a horrible skate border? Sigh…_ Charles wandered to Kitty's profile…she honestly updates her Facebook every five minutes. This time her status says, "Going to take a shower!" Charles wandered onto Lance's profile, quite easily, seeing as he doesn't care much for his privacy, his status says, "Testing out my new binoculars."

_Curious, I should probably tell Kitty to stop updating her status every five minutes._ Charles thought as he made a mental note to call Kitty to his office. Just then a notification popped up on his screen.

"Ohh, I love these little red flags." Charles said to himself as he clicked to see what the notification was. It said that he was a new friend request, and it was from none other than Magneto…although it was spelled: "Mag. Neto." On the user list. "Well that's preposterous; Magneto would never have a Facebook. This must be a prank" Charles concluded as he pressed the ignore button, this was the fourth time this week.

Soon enough the phone rang and Charles sighed, annoyed that someone was calling him during his precious computer time.

"This is Charles Xavier."

"Hello Charles."

"Magneto. What do I owe the pleasure?" Charles said sarcastically, and slightly puzzled.

"I was calling to see if you got my friend request on Facebook."

"You're actually ON Facebook Eric? Well that's quite unex-"

"Save the proper talk Charles I know you've been ignoring me."

"Well I didn't think you'd-"

"I thought we were friends!"

"We were friends, but you know the whole world domination thing kind of gets in the way."

"That doesn't stop you from playing chess with me in the park!"

"That's completely different, the students don't know about that!"

"Oh so you're too good to be my facebook friend is that it?"

"I don't want to send the wrong message Eric, besides, how do you expect me to be your facebook friend when your name is spelled incorrectly. Mag. Neto. ? I mean really Eric I thought your spelling and grammar was way better than that!"

"I was trying to be inconspicuous." Magneto sighed, "Besides Kitty friended me."

"She did?" Charles said checking her page and gasped, "She did! Kitty's has a facebook problem Eric I'm going to have to talk to her about it…"

"What you think I'm going to use our facebook friendship to hurt you Charles? I would never be so petty!"

"Well, Lance is spying on Kitty right now."

"Scott spies on Jean, how is that any different? Logan and Sabretooth are facebook friends too, and they hate each other!" Magneto retorted, "But that's beside the point, so you're not going to add me as a friend?"

"No it'll send the wrong message to my students, you have to understand Eric our friendship does not over power your thirst for world domination."

"So I'm not your friend anymore?" Magneto said hurt.

"No Eric, you ARE my friend-"

"I'm just not your facebook friend."

"Exactly."

"Well fine then Charles. I guess we're not friends anymore. I won't be seeing you tomorrow for chess!"

"No Eric, don't be unreasonable, we can still play chess!"

"But we can't be friends on facebook?"

"Fiiiiiine if it means that much to you, I'll add you, are you happy now Eric?"

"Very much Charles. Goodbye!" With that they both hung up the phone.

After that Charles summoned Kitty to his office.

"Like Hey Professor what's up?" Kitty said with her hair wrapped in a towel.

"Kitty it has come to my knowledge that someone has been keeping a very close eye on you."

"Excuse me?"

"Cerebro has been getting readings of an unidentified mutant who seems to be targeting you. I'd have Logan take care of the problem, but we're having a hard time locating it you see."

"Ohhhhh….."

"Perhaps you should be a bit more discreet with you plans and such until we find out who this is?"

Kitty looked worried now, but Charles gave her a reassuring smile, "We'll have it taken care of Kitty just be more cautious."

"Alright Professor, see you tomorrow!"

"Bye Bye!"

Charles then looked at Kitty's facebook again after she left, "Five, four, three, two," Kitty wrote on Rogue's wall and said, "You're right Rogue, it's so weird how the Professor knows everything."

"Oh if you only knew Kitty, if you only knew."Charles said lounging in his chair.

**A/n: and that is that! I got a little inspired from South Park toward the middle, but hope you guys enjoyed!**


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